Every 2019 Nicolas Cage Movie, Ranked
It’s that time of year where film aficionados are making lists — best of the year, best of the decade, best of the century. This is not one of those lists. Since I have nothing better to do with my weekend, I’ve decided to watch and rank all of Nicolas Cage’s 2019 movies.
Cage is probably the most unique actor I’ve ever seen. He’s had a roller coaster career from indie darling in the 80s to huge movie star in the 90s and 00s to relative obscurity in the 2010s. His career now consists almost solely of poorly written direct-to-streaming action movies, aside from the occasional critical hit like Mandy and the rare opportunity to return to a big studio film like Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse. Unfortunately for Cage, 2019 did not present such opportunities.
Many critics are divided as to whether Nicolas Cage is actually a good actor, but he has two qualities that are inarguable — he steals the show whenever he’s on screen, and he’s the best in the business at going absolutely batshit crazy. These qualities combined with his inability to ever turn down a role result in performances that are always incredibly entertaining even if the rest of the movie is not. For Cage fans, it can be tough to decide whether it’s worth watching his latest work if the film looks juvenile and formulaic. That’s where I come in. I watched all five of Cage’s 2019 movies so that you don’t have to. Let’s fuckin’ get into it.
1. A Score to Settle
Tagline: Revenge is coming.
Metacritic: 37%
Rotten Tomatoes: 15%
IMDb: 4.5/10
Notable Co-Stars: Benjamin Bratt
Most Memorable Line
Bratt: “It’s okay. It’s alright. His beef is with me.”
Cage: “Beef?! BEEF?! You have my son killed, you lie straight to my face about it, and you think I’ve got BEEEEEF with you?! Isha, you think BEEEF is an accurate description of what I’ve got with your father?!”
This thing is pretty terrible, but it’s got some hilarious quotes like the one above and some great moments of Cage flying off the handle, which is basically what you’re looking for in a direct-to-streaming Nic Cage action movie. It begins with crazed insomniac Frank Carver (Cage) leaving prison after a 19-year sentence and seeking revenge on the bad guys that put him there while trying to re-establish his relationship with his estranged son. Frank digs up $450,000 in cash that was buried at his old house and uses it to bestow lavish gifts on his son, bang classy prostitutes, and purchase weapons with which to enact his vengeance.
Spoiler alert: It turns out Frank’s son has been dead for fourteen years, and his presence is just a hallucinatory side effect of Frank’s insomnia. This script feels like it was written by a 13-year-old boy who just watched Fight Club for the first time.
A Score to Settle is not good, but it’s the best thing Nic Cage made this year. It’s a thoroughly entertaining bad movie, and Cage fans in need of a fix will get just what they’re looking for. The BEEEEF rant above is destined to be remembered as one of the great Cage meltdowns. I’m sure the gif will be far more successful than the movie.
Bonus Quote
Cage: “I haven’t been with anyone since your mother.”
Son: “Well, it’s like falling off a bike… into a vagina!”
2. Primal
Tagline: The ultimate hunter vs the ultimate predator.
Metacritic: 32%
Rotten Tomatoes: 38%
IMDb: 4.8/10
Notable Co-Stars: Famke Janssen, Kevin Durand
Most Memorable Line
Cage: “I just spent ten months in the jungle, and this all smells like cat shit to me.”
If you’ve ever wanted to see Nic Cage go toe to toe with a laughably unrealistic CGI jaguar, you’re in luck. Cage plays Frank Walsh, a poacher who captures exotic animals and sells them to the highest bidder. After a successful stint in the jungles of Brazil, Frank loads his cargo of dangerous wildlife, including a rare white jaguar, onto a freighter bound for the US. The rest of the ship is filled with soldiers guarding a dangerous ex-marine turned terrorist being transported to America to stand trial for his many heinous crimes. The terrorist escapes his cell and frees the animals, creating chaos on the high seas.
Primal is a dumb, predictable action movie, but it’s entertaining and somewhat competently made (aside from the cartoonish CGI animals). Cage has a lot of great one-liners and gets to shoot a surprising amount of blow darts. It’s more well-written and coherent than A Score to Settle, but I’m ranking it lower because it’s less absurd and Cage doesn’t get to fully let loose. It’s worth watching if only for the one-liners.
Bonus Quote
Bad Guy: “I can’t seem to feel my legs.”
Cage: “I can’t seem to give a shit.”
3. Grand Isle
Tagline: Sometimes the shelter is worse than the storm.
Metacritic: 29%
Rotten Tomatoes: 0%
IMDb: 5.1/10
Notable Co-Stars: Kelsey Grammer
Most Memorable Line
Cage: “You know about deception, don’t you?”
Buddy: “Not sure I follow.”
Cage: “I mean, I can tell you’re having problems at home. An example, um, when was the last time you had your, uh, cock, um, sucked?”
Buddy: “Excuse me?“
Cage: “That long, huh? Egad. You know what else I can tell?”
Buddy: “What’s that?“
Cage: “I can tell you wanna fuck my wife.”
Man, this thing is a mess. Grand Isle is a sexual horror film starring Cage as an ex-marine named Walter Franklin who hires a young man named Buddy to fix his fence. When a hurricane hits, Buddy is trapped at the house with Walter and his beautiful, sex-starved wife Fancy. Throughout the night, Fancy continually hits on Buddy while Walter threatens to hurt him, brandishing various firearms. The movie is full of awkward, hilarious exchanges like the one above.
Spoiler alert: Toward the end of the film, the cops discover that Walter and Fancy have been imprisoning local teens in their basement and forcing them to fuck so that Fancy can have the big family she’s always wanted. Fancy can’t bear children, and apparently this is the most logical solution that she and Walter can come up with. I know adopting a child is a tedious process, but damn. This development is completely ancillary to the main plot and feels shoehorned in to make the film more fucked up.
Speaking of shoehorning things in, the last ten minutes of the movie all of sudden turn into a commentary on PTSD and the poor treatment America provides to its combat veterans. The tonal shift is incredibly jarring and just doesn’t work with the rest of the movie.
Is this movie worth watching? Uhh, maybe just for the above quote. If you’ve already watched the first two films on this list and you really need more Cage, I guess you could do worse.
Bonus Quote
Cage: “Officer, my cat is stuck up in a tree. Would you shoot him down for me?”
4. Kill Chain
Tagline: None.
Metacritic: None
Rotten Tomatoes: None
IMDb: 5.2/10
Notable Co-Stars: Enrico Colantoni (the dad from Veronica Mars)
Most Memorable Line
Prostitute: “So you really don’t wanna fuck?”
Enrico Colantoni: “Nah. Not since my daughter was fourteen.”
I had high hopes for this one given the ridiculously idiotic title. Why is it called Kill Chain? Beats me. Are there kills? Most definitely. Do they form a chain? I don’t know. What the fuck does that even mean?
Cage stars as a seedy motel owner with a violent past, known only as Araña, the Spanish word for spider. When an attractive woman on the run rents a room, his quiet night becomes derailed by gangsters, assassins, and crooked cops. Cage is the only good thing about this film. He has a lot of dialogue, and he gives a strong performance including some entertaining speeches. However, there’s a stretch of about forty-five straight minutes where he’s not on screen, and none of the other actors were charismatic enough to hold my interest. The plot is dumb and convoluted. The Cage monologues are fun, but they’re not worth sitting through the rest of the movie. If you really need a Cage fix, just watch Face/Off for the thirty-seventh time.
5. Running with the Devil
Tagline: Two runners. One mission. Zero chance.
Metacritic: 40%
Rotten Tomatoes: 22%
IMDb: 5.4/10
Notable Co-Stars: Laurence Fishburne, Leslie Bibb, Barry Pepper, Adam Goldberg
Most Memorable Line
Leslie Bibb: “It’s like one giant, never-ending, self-licking ice cream cone.”
Running with the Devil is boring, and that’s something a Nicolas Cage movie should never be. Writer/director Jason Cabell is clearly trying to say something about the illegal drug industry and the futility of trying to stop it, but it just doesn’t work. The characters are poorly drawn and incredibly flat. Cage plays a far too reserved character and doesn’t get a chance to unleash his wonderful insanity. I’m not sure what the point of having Cage in your movie is if you don’t let him out of his… cage. I’m sorry, that was uncalled for. Don’t watch this movie.
Well, that was equal parts fun and depressing. Color Out of Space premiered in September at Toronto to positive reviews, but it doesn’t come out until January, so that will have to wait until next year’s list. Cage is still a talented, magnetic performer, and I hope he’ll get more chances to prove that to larger audiences. How has he not been cast in a Fast & Furious movie yet? He’d be a perfect fit. Come on, Vin. Give him a call. It’s not like he’s gonna say no.
Michael Dixon is a mild mannered accountant by day and a mild mannered movie watcher by night. He will not do your taxes for you. He lives in Austin, Texas with his lovely television and collection of fine whiskies. You can’t purchase his book anywhere because it doesn’t exist.
